by Jay Larsen
“Bryce Canyon” is to be renamed “Bruce Canyon”. Named after the cow that was lost when Ebenezer Bryce spoke the line “hell of a place to loose a cow” This story includes mooooods and perspectives uncovered by Jay Larsen while he was conducting research in and around the area soon to be known as Bruce Canyon, . These moooods and perspectives were moood to Jay while he was interviewing cattle who are descendants of the cow that Bryce had lost in the canyon.
We now have the rest of the story as shared by descendants of the cow named Bruce that Ebenezer lost and we have the story told from Bruce’s perspective.
Our research has discovered that Ebenezer had an alter ego, called Jeb, that he only revealed when he was alone with cattle. Eb had developed this alter-ego many years before he had discovered Bryce canyon. We have learned that many cowboys developed alter-egos like this when they were out on the range for weeks, even months with only their cattle to talk to. The cattle men created these alter-egos to avoid becoming moo…dy.
Even though Eb was a cattleman and raised mostly beef cattle, he had a couple of milk cows. Eb had purchased a cow named Bruce and Bruce was a bull cow, not a milk cow that everyone was led to believe. Bruce was not only a bull cow, he was very much a bull cow. He was considered by all the other cattle as the Casanova of the canyon. Until then, the native people in America had the legend that Kokapelli was the Casanova of the canyon. Boy, the white man comes along and ruins everything.
Bruce was so much of a lady’s man that he was always getting in the corrals with the milk cows and not getting out when Eb herded the cattle in the barn to be milked. Even though Bruce would be kickin’ and snortin’, Eb was so pre-occupied with the task of milking that he would milk Bruce along the other cows. That explains a few rumors floating around town questioning the milk from Eb’s farm.
On the days that Bruce was herded in with the milk cows, he was less interested in chasing the laddy milkers. Go figure. Notwithstanding, Bruce hated being milked because it took the chase out of him and he was less frisky, less Casanova and was loosing his status, even with the beef cattle. Bruce didn’t like that one bit.
One day Bruce over heard Eb mumbling something. Yes, Bruce thought he heard the words “knife”, “Bruce” and “steer” in the same sentence. Whoa!!! Bruce was not about to have a knife make him a steer! Not in this life; Bruce would have none of that; he was having too much fun; at least until Eb/Jeb came along and started milking him.
No way are they making a steer out of me, mooed Bruce. I’m gettin’ out of here. So Bruce rounded up his friends, mostly his finest lady milkers; broke down the fence and ran away to the hills, getting lost in the hoodoos of soon-to-be Bruce Canyon.
Eb went lookin for those cows and followed the tracks into the hoodoos. That’s when Eb made the now popular declaration, “hell of a place to loose a cow.” Yet, now that we have uncovered from Bruce’s descendants, the rest of the story, a moooovement has been started to give credit to where credit is due, give the credit back to the cow who ran away, getting lost in the first place. The cows name was Bruce and so we are changing the name of Bryce Canyon to Bruce Canyon.
This change will be extensive and expensive. It will involve changing building names, signs, books, titles, clothing, trinkets, pictures, logos advertisements, contracts and many other items, including a lot of underwear, as people will crap their pants when they read this. This change is necessary because in the election of 2008, Barack Obama campaigned on the slogan “vote for change” and we voted for change. Thus, in-order to have integrity, in-order to walk the talk, we have to change, and that includes changing the name of “Bryce Canyon” to “Bruce Canyon”.
“Bryce Canyon” Renamed “Bruce Canyon” is copyright of Jay Larsen July 2009. Any reproduction without written permission from Jay Larsen is strictly prohibited. Contact Jay at ArmchairInstitute@yahoo.com
Jay Larsen, Chairman, Armchair Institute
Additional parodies and stories by Jay may be enjoyed by visiting his web-page: ArmchairInstitute.com